So in the past couple years, I feel like I’ve drifted away from the person I want to become. While I take responsibility for this distraction, I want to do what I can to refocus. Naming how I’ve been distracted in detail is a step I am going to take in that direction for me and for you.
For me, to forgive myself for what’s happened, and to safely let these things go to clear up energy and space for new things to take their place; things I am making the decision I am now ready for.
For you, I want to build trust between us. I want to show you who I really am, not the highlights of some fabricated internet personality. I want to bring you inside the reality of my life, so you can really understand what it’s like to be in my body and my head, and hopefully get closer to your own true self as a result.
Cue highlight reel…
Previous to 2015, this is some about who I was:
Back-to-back years of earning the Principal’s Award of Merit
Acceptances to the two best business schools in Canada
Never tried marijuana, cigarettes or other drugs
Drank, but never when there was work to do
Nearly a virgin
In peak physical condition: very high lower body strength and cardiovascular capacity
Aware of friends who surrounded me, loved me, and who I enjoyed talking to
Extremely energetic all the time
Placed second in the Ontario Novice Rowing Championships
Since 2015, here are some things that have happened:
I’ve been suicidal, and experienced suicidal ideation to the point of it becoming habitual
Experienced months of depression, often causing me not to leave the house for days at a time
Had homicidal thoughts
Developed an addiction to sugar and marijuana
Developed an addiction to binge eating (and subsequent exercise binges - I later learned this is known as exercise bulimia)
Spent $20,000 of my life savings in eight months
Broken up and gotten back together with my ex-girlfriend more times than I can count
In that same time period, I have:
Purchased my own car
Earned a job at a top company in downtown Vancouver
Started (and ended) a podcast
Checked off working at Starbucks off my bucket list
Moved into my own place
Joined and a men’s community and started and led my own group
Won three national cheerleading championships
Become financially self-sufficient
And I’m alright with it all.
Boy, does it ever feel good to get that all off my chest.
With more space between my past and the present, I’m able to reflect on what’s happened with greater clarity and ease. Why I’ve done what I’ve done has become more and more obvious.
As a human in pain, I did what I saw available to do to soothe my pain. Were these behaviours the healthiest ones available to me? Were they something I regret? Hell no!
They say the side effects of antidepressants may be severe, but they aren’t severe enough to kill you. Sure the side effects of my various coping mechanisms were significant, and many not positive, but none of them were severe enough to kill me.
The fact that I successfully did what I could to stay alive - during a time of what’s clear now to have been colossal amounts of pain - is something that I am incredibly proud of.
To give you an insight into some of the pain I decided to build into the world I was living in…
Here are some of my greatest worries during this period:
If I don’t get a nice, cushy job like my classmates, my dad won’t love me.
If my blog isn’t wildly successful in the first six months, it will never be.
Nobody sincerely loves me, everyone is pretending they do and secretly hates having me around.
I don’t have any muscle, and if I don’t workout at least three times a week, nobody will like me because I’ll become ugly.
Because I’m not following a typical path, everyone I have ever met will hate seeing me and when they do, they’ll feel nothing but judgement towards me.
Because I’ve changed as a person, friends who were my friends in the past will no longer want to be friends with me anymore.
Just like they do for you, a fellow human being, my beliefs shaped my reality. Since my beliefs were full of pain, my reality become a hell I felt forced to exist in without the ability to influence it at all. Looking back, it was no wonder I was constantly looking for a way out of this fucking awful world I was stuck in and could do nothing about.
To shed some light on where my head’s at these days…
Here are some of the thoughts and beliefs I am currently working to give more energy:
The world isn’t big and bad like your parents told you it was going to be, it’s actually full of loving people who are grateful for any opportunity to help you, and will always offer when they can.
Your body is sexy and lovable always; it will always be there to catch you, to get your back, to keep carrying you forwards.
The most natural flow of money in the world is towards my bank account, and actually the less I think (not the more), the wider the stream.
People absolutely love being around my energy. It is one of the most unique available in their lives, and I am truly a blessing to everyone who is lucky enough to be around me even passing me by on the street.
Your parents don’t hate you in any way, actually, they love you more than any being in the universe.
Just because that thing has always been that way doesn’t mean it needs to stay that way. You’re an adult now, and you’re going to need to change your kid ways.
Stuck? Ask for help. It’s a sign of strength - not weakness - and it is actually a gift to whoever receives the opportunity to help you.
As familiar as that weed and candy is to soothe your pain, remain aware of your connection to God and to your friends that are equally as available (and doubly as soothing) to you.
While I see value in taking time to understand my transformation, I recognize my proximity to my old ways, and I am choosing to use my limited focus on strengthening my new ways of thinking for the time being. Perhaps down the road I will want to dig into this reflection further. There may be a point in the future when I’m ready to get even more specific and clear on what allowed this change to happen.
For now, I’m just going to focus on taking action - the answer to every single one of my problems.
Curious about a particular point? Relate to my story? Send me an e-mail here.
I’m grateful to have the opportunity to share and reflect with you again. The healing I find available to me through the medium of writing and reflecting continues to amaze me.
I sincerely hope this piece is able to inspire you to become more real with yourself. I hope my honesty and dedication to the truth of my reality brings you closer to accepting the truth of your own. If you want to share some things you’ve been holding back accepting about yourself, I am always only an e-mail away.
Until next time, stay strong, focused on action, and have some fun in your life!
Rock on, friend.
Dedicating to building a better you,
Sam aka the Dragon Slayer
P.S. If you want to get fun e-mails from me (and my team of elves), with posts hand-delivered by my pandas to your inbox, please sign up for my mailing list below. Glad to have you here :)