It feels like I have been pushing myself down to zero from 10%, letting myself refill back to ten and then repeating the process again.
I wonder what would happen if I let myself get to twenty. Thirty.
Currently leaning into surrendering, letting go, and charging up. It’s scary to me because I have come to rely on productivity, and getting things done as indicators of value for myself. As I draw away from working to allow myself to recharge, even just temporarily, I’m finding it difficult to think of myself as valuable.
This whole time, amongst all of my successes, I have forgotten to succeed at what might be the most important success of all: manufacturing a view of myself that is loving, positive, and resilient - a view independent of anything external.
As I lean away from constant reminders of my value in the real world (by actually allowing myself to recharge to a point above 10% for once), I’m forced to create these reminders for myself.
It’s weird. It’s hard. But it’s so necessary.
Boy, is it ever. And boy, am I ever lucky to have discovered this dependent so early on. It will be a long road to independence, and it will be a worthwhile one.